Honesty

Following the request our Elf friend formulated to the Wiseman of the sea, I decided to remove the videos I recorded yesterday, and the post explaining them published on "Justice in Ylliriel". I wrote a small note explaining that earlier, but now I wish to get a little bit more into details.

First, in life, it is a sign of wisdom I think to recognize a mistake when we do a mistake!

In my case, it was only half a mistake. To say the truth, I did not get carried away by my anger. I willingly chose to express and show that anger in order to try to provoke a reaction, and touch some cords.

Our Elf friend said it was not exactly the right way to do it.

I, being a respectful person, and a sensitive person, do not like to hurt others. I do not like to hurt strangers I don't know. So hurting persons I know is even worse.

If you show me a photo or a video of persons I don't know crying, in a remote place of the world, it will make me want to cry with them. I do not like to see sadness. Not in human beings. Nor even in animals. Even when it's not related to me.

I do not like to see unfairness. At school I always defended and protected the children who were discriminated because of their differences. I was myself mocked by others, because I preferred to read books, and to participate in class, rather than go out and party. But I very well remember protecting some new children who had come to study in the same school because they were bullied at first. 

I believe there is a space for each person and each creature in this world. A person should know what his or her space is. A person should know where his or her freedom starts, and ends.

On the 27th of February 2017, the Faerie Princess hugged me in her arms for fifteen minutes, clock in hand, in front of Delft's station. There are eye witnesses. That day, the Faerie Princess told to me: "thank you so much, so deeply for having come. I was about to have a burn-out so much pressure I had because of my studies, because of my side jobs, because of everything I feel forced to do, and dislike so much. You came, and for the first time, you made me cry for myself. It is the first time I am able to. It's been one year I do not write poetry, and for the first time, today, I am able to write again. Thank you, just by coming you saved me. You are a fantastic person. I don't know if I deserve you."

The Faerie Princess told me many more things that day. That is just the introduction.

A burn-out.

The Faerie Princess was 23 years old at the time. Does it seem and sound normal to you that a person so young speaks of having a burn-out?

In July 2017, the Faerie Princess avowed her love to me for the first time.

In September 2017, on the 11th, we dined together; she invited me. And we spent a beautiful time together, speaking also of painful matters, such as her childhood trauma.

On the 13th of September 2017, without an explanation, she stopped speaking to me. She did so because we had grown very close, and she felt that very scary because of the childhood trauma she carries in her. Already in 2014, after our first encounters, the Faerie Princess had avowed to me the intensity of our connection and of our bond scared her greatly - she found it beautiful, marvelous, and yet, she was greatly panicked by that too.

On the 27th of February 2018, exactly one year, day for day, after holding me in her arms for so long, the Faerie Princess sent me two texts telling me she was dead, dead inside, and that I needed to help her, to find her, to heal her, and to keep on loving her.

As my love for the Faerie Princess is sincere, I became even more preoccupied for her. Since the moment she stopped speaking to me without an explanation, I was worried for her.

But after her words speaking of being dead, her silence started to haunt me, as I knew it hid a terrible malaise, a terrible suffering.

And I tried to reach to her entourage. And no one answered, except to insult me. I told them, please, the Faerie Princess needs your help, please, try to help her, she is not doing very well. 

And all her friends, all the people I could reach, did not seem to care at all about my words. Only one person did not react in an insulting way, Yna, but she didn't intervene or help either. 

Little-Flute behaved as all the others.

I will not go through the details of what happened, to keep the privacy of everyone involved, and in particular of Red-Oak.

Six years passed.

Now, the main actors I did not speak to at the time, because I did not have their contact information, know everything about the story. Red-Oak, Green-Rose, but also Little-Flute, Yna and the Lady. Yet, they are not acting. None of them is accepting to at least say a word, to at least ask a question (I've invited them to ask me all the questions they wished to ask, swearing to respond with entire honesty, to remove all their doubts). Yet, nobody accepted my unconditional friendship. 

So, my words (and I'm sorry about them!) were briefly posted on my blog to make those actors feel what I daily feel since six or seven years ago!

When I was accused of having wronged the Faerie Princess, to me it was an extremely offensive, humiliating, nauseating accusation, because I love her and always tried to act in her best interest. She had asked for my help. She had called for help telling me she was desperate. She spoke and wrote of death to me. 

How could I remain impassive and quiet in front of such dark words and dark thoughts, when she had deprived herself of the only person who understood her, of the only person with whom she shared all the intimate details of her life and of her thoughts.

It is the Faerie Princess herself who wrote those words to me, on the 9th of May 2016. She was very unhappy about certain things she had done, and she told me "you are the only person with whom I dare to share these things with". The Faerie Princess on many occasions repeated that to me. Nobody understood her in her entourage, so she started hiding more and more things from them.

How could I not try to intervene in front of such a situation? It would have been morally wrong not to.

And I was accused and dishonored for that. For having done my duty, my moral duty. For having helped her in all the ways she had asked me to, including helping her to express the emotions she could not express because of her childhood trauma, by writing about them, and describing them in depth. 

So, yesterday, by posting the videos where I displayed my anger, my intention was to show to the main actors of this story how terrible an unfair accusation can make a honest person feel. 

I gladly removed them on the demand of our Elf friend, as my words were too deeply offensive and touched a collective wound. I will not use that metaphor again. Yet, I believe that my message passed, during the few hours these videos and that text remained. What happened six, seven years ago is not alright, and I am an entirely honest and fair person who was trying to do his moral duty, acting in the best interest of the Faerie Princess. Accusing me (or not daring to defend me) was lowly. And refusing to recognize your mistakes is a lack of courage.

Sorry about the bad quality of my videos, my phone bugged a bit in the middle! I was picking pomarrosas in the meanwhile. 

The season of violet grape also started. It is my grandfather who left us four years ago who gifted us this grape vine around twelve years ago. I planted it back then, and took care of it during all this time. 

And, below, you will find very old pictures taken between 2006 and 2008.

A reflection on the glass above the porch of our house (we had just moved here at the time, there was more sun as there were less trees).

We live at 5 minutes from the port of Amchit. This is the view on Amchit from the port. The trees that resemble a wood or a forest in the first plan of the picture were planted by my great grandfather. This garden now belongs to other family members. The picture was taken in 2006, but the view didn't change much in the meanwhile.

I still skiied at the time. We used to go ski every weekend from December to March, on the ski slopes of Faraya/Mzaar and Laqlouq. The most famous ones in the country are called Les Cèdres, but the road is longer. They are all located above 1800 meters height.

And this is another picture of me, in the mountain (around 800 meters height) in a garden belonging to my great grandmother (from the other side of my family). It was also taken around 2006 or 2007. I was fifteen or sixteen years old. 

I also have an encouraging news to announce. I have been contacting a few friends (two of them), and an ex-colleague, to ask for their direct intervention in this story, asking from them to write a direct letter to one or several of the main actors of this story, ensuring them that I am a fair, respectful and respectable person, who was well-appreciated wherever I went.

My two friends expressed some willingness to help, but they did nothing concrete till now (and I need concrete things, because offering me sympathy is not very helpful at this stage!).

However I received the news that my ex-director, a very well-known and respectable person, was ready to write Red-Oak directly, and certify to him that my behavior, my presence and my capacities at work were very well-appreciated by all my ex-colleagues and that they keep a very good memory of me.

Perhaps one letter will not change everything, yet I believe that an accumulation of such letters, coming from different persons, from different backgrounds, speaking different languages, will build the new future we dream of.

Therefore I ask my friends who are reading me not to be stopped by that, but on the contrary encouraged. Red-Oak, and all the other actors, need to receive as many words of support for the Faerie Princess and me as it is possible, because each of my friends, each of the Faerie Princess' friends, will play a different role. With most of these persons, Red-Oak will probably not have a direct contact. Yet, he will record their words, and come closer and closer to understanding the truth.